Flashback Friday: “Butter Some Bread”

Anyone who knows me knows that I have played all types of soccer over my career in the sport including outdoor, indoor, futsal, coed, over 30, over 40, and in England, Canada and more recently here in the US. I have many stories over the years varying from stunning goals, to epic comebacks, to crazy altercations. This little story is about the last kind because everyone needs a little crazy in their life, right? During my time at the University of Western Ontario, or UWO as I will refer to it going forward, I played on many intramural teams, meeting many different players which eventually led to putting together a pretty dominant Men’s team that would meet on Sunday mornings and lay the smack down on our competition. On one of these such mornings I narrowly missed being stabbed…that caught your interest, huh? You better keep reading then…

It was an untypical warmish fall morning for the Men’s Playoff Championship between two undefeated regular season division winners, and it was naturally expected to be our biggest challenge after we walked through our previous competition en route to the title matchup. The game began and it was a contentious affair right from the get go, with the unexperienced student referee clearly struggling to handle the intensity of the match. When we went down 1-0 just before the half they celebrated like they had just won the World Cup, especially one particular loud mouth named “Lexi”, the perfect nemesis for a guy like me. He was hooting and hollering from the sideline as he had already been told to leave the field for refusing to remove all his bling. But early in the second half we had the game tied up and began to take control of the play which was leading to some bad tackles from our opposition. With a good few minutes still remaining on the clock I burst up the middle and in on a clear breakaway, only to be completely wiped out from behind by a brutal slide tackle. An immediate Red card was brandished to the perpetrator and I was unable to continue due to injury. Lexi apparently decided I was faking, had bamboozled the ref, and his team as he hurled abuse at our team’s area to which I responded in my usual manner, some witty response regarding his short stature if I remember correctly which set off a ruckus between all members of both teams. The ref called the game on the spot and there was no winner 😡 to which we felt quite aggrieved by as we were about to finish the game up a man after the Red. Eventually the police were called but both teams had settled down prior to their arrival…well except for one little fellow. I was sitting down taking off my gear, then as I stood up and picked up my bag and turned there was Lexi, but he veered quickly past me. I did not think anything of it until one of my player’s girlfriend came over to me to tell me that as he approached he had a knife in his hand. I was pretty flabbergasted, part of me thought she just mis-saw. But she was adamant and when the police arrived she gave her account. The police tracked him down, knocked on his door and asked him some questions. He did not deny pulling the knife, and when asked what he was going to do with it? Well you read the title I assume, his official statement was simply, “I was going to butter some bread”. Turns out he was not eligible to play to begin with as he had been expelled from the university for some other shady business. This tale ended up in a successfully prosecuted case and he was not seen in the UWO circles again. The one thing I find incredulous about the whole story is that I probably may have derserved to have been stabbed for some of my brilliant trash talk over the years but in this instance I was quite restrained, was taken out by a vicious tackle, injured, and we didn’t get to win the game either so I felt a little hard done by on this occasion. As a somewhat mature father now these types of occurrences do not happen anymore but when I told my 9-yr old daughter Ava this story she said that I must re-enact it for her, so out came the Lego…I did only say somewhat mature:

Ava has also been repeatedly asking me what this guy was going to do with this knife really as she just can’t believe that anyone would want to do something like that to “the best man in the universe”, she kind of has a point…

Simon

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